I'm not sure, but I believe I told some of you about the Elephant Rifle I bought last fall. It's a Ruger #1 single shot in the good, solidly European caliber of 9.3mmX74mm. The Germanic equivalent of the British .375 Magnum.
I love it and think NO American male should be without an elephant rifle in his possession. When you NEED an elephant rifle, NOTHING else will really take its place. I mean, let's say you wake up some morning this spring and there's a herd of elephants in your garden. What are you going to do, say "SHOO" to them? Or even worse, you're driving past the local elementary school and you see an enraged tusker stomping the kids into the mud during recess. There are times that an ordinary firearm, ANY ordinary firearm, just doesn't cut it. Everyone NEEDS an elephant rifle.
And it ain't just about elephants, neither. I could get charged by a Greyhound bus tomorrow. And if I did, with the Elephant Rifle, I could STOP it. What's more, when they sent in the bulldozer to clear the bodies off the highway later, I could stop IT, too. Everyone NEEDS an elephant rifle.
I've been anxious to try it out all through the winter, but haven't seen a single elephant. I figured they were all hibernating.
Well, last weekend, it seemed sort of springlike here so I went out to Waterloo State Forest to have a look around. I was walking through the woods, when I found this HOLE going back into this hillside. A BIG hole. I reached back inside it, and I TOUCHED something. I knew right off what it was, and figured I better latch ahold of it QUICK. You see, I know elephants are a lot like snappin' turtles. They always head into their holes headfirst, but can turn around FAST. So I latched on to that elephant's tail and I commenced to tuggin'. I never really knew how stout them elephants were. Well, I kept tuggin' and apullin' and pretty soon I drug that gray devil out of his hole. Once I got him out, I didn't know what to do with him. Sure as heck wasn't goin' to let him loose, I knew that. He was commencin' to get a might perturbed with me. Luckily, I had the Elephant Rifle with me (I rarely go ANYPLACE without it anymore). I wanted to shoot him in the head, that's the place you usually shoot elephants. But I had him by the tail and couldn't SEE his head. Well, he was squealin' pretty fierce by this time, I knew I was goin' to have to shoot him SOMEPLACE, so I looked up and right beneath his tail I saw this hole. Now, I KNEW that hole had to lead to his head somehow, so I raised the Elephant Rifle up and I fired right into it.
I ain't never gonna do that again. NEVER. Took me two days to clean the rifle and I still get a whiff of myself now and again. I don't think I'd do it again even if I was wearin' a rain suit and a full face shield...
Anyway, I brought him home and tossed him in the crock pot. He was GOOD, too. After you get the guts out and the skin off an elephant, I don't figure there's more than 2 to 3 thousand pounds of meat on it. It's all gone now.
I saw my son today, tried to talk him into goin' elephant huntin' with me. I figured he could drag 'em out of the hole, and I could shoot them in the head. Told him he'd need to watch where that hole under the tail was pointin' when I shot, though. He didn't act like he much wanted to have anything to do with it. Don't know what's the matter with that boy. When I was his age, I coulda pulled three or four elephants out of their holes a day. And it wouldn't have mattered WHERE their holes were pointin'. He just muttered somethin' about me needin' HELP and walked away. Dammit, that's what I was askin' for, was HELP.
Gotta get off here now. Gonna do a search on "traveling circuses featuring elephant rides". With elephant hunting, you take 'em where you can get 'em. And Hal, if you find your retirement boring, I'm looking for a hunting partner.